On nearly giving up

Saturday, 7 October 2017

It's been a long time!

I've been enjoying a little blogging hiatus that's gone on for longer than I expected. I've become a bit … I don't know what the word is. Not bored. Uninspired? Something like that. I've lost the fire that had me tapping into my laptop late into the evening when I should have been catching up on sleep.

And I don't know what the solution is to that. I thought about starting afresh with a new blog and a blank slate but that feels a bit daunting to me. It also involves a lot of time spent on social media, which I'm trying to step away from a bit. In fact, over the summer I seriously considered coming off of Facebook altogether (and Twitter. Not Instagram though. I'd have to have my phone melted down or something before I give that up). In fact, I thought maybe I'd just stop having a presence online altogether. No blogging, nothing. I thought it might help me feel a bit more clear headed just to step away from the noise.

But I miss writing. I miss having that outlet, a space to process things. I write in my journal but it's not quite the same, because I'm usually exhausted and my entries are either me ranting about something or quickly noting down something cute or funny the kids have done.

Speaking of them!

The other reason I've slowed down on blogging, and writing in general, is because I'm just enjoying being with them. I never have time to blog in the day, even when Jellybean is at preschool, because the baby is not-so-baby-ish anymore and spends his day trying to figure out how he can get up to the most mischief while my back is turned. So between trying to keep him in one piece and trying to pry information from my daughter about what happened at preschool, I'm occupied.

And when they go to bed? Sometimes I sit with my feet up and play Final Fantasy 15 until my eyes go blurry. Sometimes I read. Sometimes I do the ironing and watch Mad Men. Sometimes I go to bed because I'm so tired.

But I like it.

Despite being hard work (because they are), I'm really enjoying being Just a Mum. I think I've settled into the groove of Mum-ish-ness. And yes, ideally I want to start working again soon, but the baby stage is flying by at a terrifying pace and so I've been clinging onto it desperately. I'm trying to cram in as many raspberries-on-tummies as possible. Every little goofy, dribbly grin of adoration my son gives me, every hilarious thing my daughter says. I'm trying to just … soak in it.

I've also finally stopped worrying about what people think about me not working. Being concerned with other people's opinions is exhausting and completely pointless. I'm finding immense value in being slaves to our tiny humans ;) it's kind of freeing, actually. Admittedly, some evenings I actually want to cry with relief when my husband gets home so I can go and hide in the bathroom for ten minutes of actual peace and quiet, but still.

But sitting down tonight, to write, feels good. I don't know what the future holds for the blog. Maybe I'll relaunch one day. Maybe not. For now, this is good. Life is good, and I am grateful.

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