Not a goodbye, more of a bye-bye-bye-bye.

Tuesday, 10 October 2017

My Mum never says bye to me. Years ago she said it's because she thinks 'goodbye' is too final. 'See you!' feels like a less loaded term. Or something along those lines.

Sometimes she says 'bye' but she says it super quick, almost like she's avoiding a jinx. So it's not 'bye', it's 'byebyebyebye'. Subsequently I do it back.

My daughter now says this, if she's pretending to be on the phone. 'Haha, yeah. Okay. Love you. Bye bye bye bye bye!'

I'm waffling on because I'm avoiding the subject here. Can you tell?


I started this blog pre-kids, when I was a nursery nurse, full-time. I was much more involved with church life, helping out at youth and Sunday School, and so on. Life was busy but happy. 

And I was tired.

I remember waking up in the mornings and bursting into tears because I was just so tired. I had no reason to be - I was in my early twenties (sigh), newly married, carefree, not many responsibilities. I was just exhausted. 

I went to see a doctor, for blood tests, but nothing was wrong.

I was just exhausted. For no reason at all.

I mean, maybe it was God's way of training me in preparation for the babies, particularly Baby Boy, who was one of the worst sleepers I have ever known. But it was frustrating me. Also, I'd lost a lot of my kind of new-Christian-fire. I was becoming one of those people that turned up to do all my church duties but didn't allow myself room to think about God in between.

So I started the blog. It was a way of making myself accountable to my closest friends. It was to be a space for me to reflect on my faith. (In case you were wondering, it was named after a chapter in one of my favourite ever books, Lisa Bevere's Lioness Arising). And then it grew, naturally, and changed, as I went on, and I discovered I still liked to write quite a lot, and as we had children, and my role completely changed. And the blog has been there this whole time - through sleepless nights and stressful times and a faith crisis and many happy moments, and I've met nice people through it and had my confidence boosted because of it.

But the time has come, I feel. I keep sitting down to write posts but I've hit a wall with it.


I've hit a wall, for sure. And I want to talk more in depth about my faith, which is what I originally started it for. I want to talk more about feminism, which I have discovered more about since beginning the blog. I still want to write about motherhood, of course, which I will do, especially on The Motherload. And I feel like the back history of posts here is too big and unwieldy to truly start afresh. I've also wanted to start using WordPress for a while.

So I'll be blogging over at my new website, which is here. I'll be switching all my social media over to reflect that on Friday, so if you follow me already, you won't have to do anything. I'll keep paying for the domain space here, because it means a lot to me, and I like to look back on it. 

To be honest, it always amazes me that anyone takes the time to read this (seriously - people say 'oh, I read your blog' and for a moment I feel totally bewildered. Every time), and I'm probably coming across as really self-indulgent here, but I wanted to say goodbye to this particular blog, and thank it for everything.

So there we go.


On nearly giving up

Saturday, 7 October 2017

It's been a long time!

I've been enjoying a little blogging hiatus that's gone on for longer than I expected. I've become a bit … I don't know what the word is. Not bored. Uninspired? Something like that. I've lost the fire that had me tapping into my laptop late into the evening when I should have been catching up on sleep.

And I don't know what the solution is to that. I thought about starting afresh with a new blog and a blank slate but that feels a bit daunting to me. It also involves a lot of time spent on social media, which I'm trying to step away from a bit. In fact, over the summer I seriously considered coming off of Facebook altogether (and Twitter. Not Instagram though. I'd have to have my phone melted down or something before I give that up). In fact, I thought maybe I'd just stop having a presence online altogether. No blogging, nothing. I thought it might help me feel a bit more clear headed just to step away from the noise.

But I miss writing. I miss having that outlet, a space to process things. I write in my journal but it's not quite the same, because I'm usually exhausted and my entries are either me ranting about something or quickly noting down something cute or funny the kids have done.

Speaking of them!

The other reason I've slowed down on blogging, and writing in general, is because I'm just enjoying being with them. I never have time to blog in the day, even when Jellybean is at preschool, because the baby is not-so-baby-ish anymore and spends his day trying to figure out how he can get up to the most mischief while my back is turned. So between trying to keep him in one piece and trying to pry information from my daughter about what happened at preschool, I'm occupied.

And when they go to bed? Sometimes I sit with my feet up and play Final Fantasy 15 until my eyes go blurry. Sometimes I read. Sometimes I do the ironing and watch Mad Men. Sometimes I go to bed because I'm so tired.

But I like it.

Despite being hard work (because they are), I'm really enjoying being Just a Mum. I think I've settled into the groove of Mum-ish-ness. And yes, ideally I want to start working again soon, but the baby stage is flying by at a terrifying pace and so I've been clinging onto it desperately. I'm trying to cram in as many raspberries-on-tummies as possible. Every little goofy, dribbly grin of adoration my son gives me, every hilarious thing my daughter says. I'm trying to just … soak in it.

I've also finally stopped worrying about what people think about me not working. Being concerned with other people's opinions is exhausting and completely pointless. I'm finding immense value in being slaves to our tiny humans ;) it's kind of freeing, actually. Admittedly, some evenings I actually want to cry with relief when my husband gets home so I can go and hide in the bathroom for ten minutes of actual peace and quiet, but still.

But sitting down tonight, to write, feels good. I don't know what the future holds for the blog. Maybe I'll relaunch one day. Maybe not. For now, this is good. Life is good, and I am grateful.
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