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Tuesday, 11 October 2016

Growing a person makes you feel really, really vulnerable.

Not for me. I'm not afraid for myself. Although I'm getting to the point where my body is starting to feel it: even on the non-pelvic-joint-pain-days, after a long time on my feet, I feel it in my hips and lower back, that bone-deep uncomfortable ache.

These babies wrack my body. I am physically changed forever because of them.

I don't mind. It feels a small price to pay in the long run. But the days stretch on sometimes, just me and Jellybean, when Chris works long hours and I try and be everything that she needs me to be.

Time ticks by, slowly.

***

In our twenty week scan, I saw a glimpse of my son's face.

Not all of it: he was shy, arms up, covering his eyes. But I saw a tiny nose and perfectly plump lips. Just like Jellybean's. By the end of my pregnancy with her, I had so many scans, I practically knew what she would look like when she came out.

He looks like her.

Then we went to another scan last week, and I saw his face properly. As I thought: splitting image of his sister.

The wait is suddenly unbearable. I don't think I realised how much I wanted him until I saw him that day. And now, he's there, in me, and ten weeks feels like a long time to wait for him to be strong enough to come out.

So much is still at stake.

And it's a long, long waiting game.

It's an anxious wait that cannot have my full attention. Occasionally, in the midst of everything, I forget. Because everything still needs to be done: potties to wipe down and toys to pick up and stubborn blonde curls to brush knots from and food to be prepared and walks to be taken and nature to be observed and dancing to be done. It all ticks on like normal. And then suddenly, in the midst of something else - like today, stirring a pot of spiced lentils and spinach and doing that 'I hope my toddler actually eats this' chant under my breath - he'll just spring awake. Like a little surprise. I'm here! And I think 'oh, I forgot you were in there.'

It all comes rushing back, then. This want for him in my arms, fully cooked, and safe.

***

I think it's more intense this time because I've had it before. I'm ready for it. My body started changing way quicker this time: I felt his movements ridiculously early, and my bump seemed to appear suddenly, overnight, when he was still smaller than a grape. Emotionally I'm already there. I'm ready. Give me that baby so I can hold him and sniff his head.




Also, everything has a sense of finality to it this time because we can't afford any more babies after this. (Financially and physically. Some days the nerve pain is so bad I feel like one my legs will actually just drop off). And so, this is the last time. I keep thinking it: enjoy this feeling when he kicks, enjoy seeing your belly move, this is the last time.

It's kind of gently torturous. On the one hand, yes. On the other, no. I want him now. I'd happily skip the next ten weeks in order to have him here safely.

So I carry on down this path of uncertainty and preparation. I sit amongst mounds and mounds of beautiful baby clothes (thank you, thank you, thank you, to my kind friends. We literally need nothing for this kid. My 'newborn clothes drawer' is so full I can barely close it) and I keep thinking: please hurry up. But also don't.

That's where I am.

Hurry along little one. But take your time.


Linking up with:
Mummascribbles

Pink Pear Bear


Brilliant blog posts on HonestMum.com


Mummy Fever - Share With Me


14 comments:

  1. The waiting game. It is long isn't it. I'll be watching for that birth announcement #TwinklyTuesday

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    1. Thank you :) counting down the days! Although you never know, he could be early or late ... argh! x

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  2. "So much is still at stake. And it's a long, long waiting game." And right there, dear Meg, you have summarized what ALL of motherhood is like. I'm raising 2 teenage daughters. So much is still at stake, and it's still a long, long waiting game. But the stakes and the wait are so worth it. :) Stopping by from #alittlebitofeverything!

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    1. Haha ... yes. I hear the worry never stops. But you're right, it's so worth it! x

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  3. I remember thinking the same thing with baby number 2 and then in a blink of an eye he just turned 3! Enjoy the quite moments. The waiting will go quick. Thinking of you :)

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    1. To be honest it feels like yesterday I was waiting around for baby number one, and she's just turned three! It just flies by. Thank you :) I will post when he arrives. Just got to get through this bit! x

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  4. Beautiful. I remember feeling a whole load of these emotions with my second, knowing it would be my last pregnancy. The last few weeks felt particularly long and now she's less than a month away from turning one! Glad you're making the most of the last 10 weeks, he'll be here before you know it. Thank you for sharing with #bigpinklink x

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    1. Ahh thank you :) yes, trying to make the most of it. As much as I can! x

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  5. So excited for you. Saviour this time, every day is unique (: #bigpinklink

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  6. So exciting - and that little outfit is just gorgeous! Thanks for linking to #sharewithme

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    1. Thank you :) we've got him a little Christmas babygrow too ... cannot wait to dress him in it! x

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