Tomorrow will be better: on pain and weakness

Wednesday, 7 September 2016

I am just so terrible at keeping up with blogging at the moment.

I feel terrible at lots of things.

This isn't a pity post. The last thing I want is pity. We took Jellybean to the zoo for her birthday, and Chris had to push me around in a wheelchair. The pitying looks (and outright nosy, mouth-hanging-open gawping from adults and children alike) were enough to make me want to sink into the ground and disappear.

Although admittedly it was quite fun racing my toddler down hills.

I can't stand pity, is what I'm trying to say. I just like to be honest when I write stuff, particularly about pain-related things, because I hate sticking a 'la-la-la everything's fine' plaster over everything. This is honest:

Pelvic joint pain absolutely sucks.

It sucks because it impacts every moment of every day.

It sucks because it gives me terrible mother guilt. I feel awful for being snappy and grumpy and miserable when I can't walk, and having to say no when she asks for something that would have been perfectly reasonable but is now impossible for me.

The only thing that keeps me going is the fact that it is temporary. That I will have a baby at the end of it. And that, after this, I can get my wonky pelvis realigned and not feel this pain again.

At least I flipping hope so.

It is also teaching me things: I am having to deal with issues surrounding my own stupid stubbornness and lack of ability to ask for help. I am having to learn to let the little things go. I have a limited amount of energy to expend each day before I start limping around like a self-concious, teenaged hip-hop enthusiast. So, I have to scrap a lot of things that I would normally do. I also have to tune out what other pregnant people manage to do (walk in heels, redecorate whole houses, run their own businesses, climb freaking mountains, whatever) and learn to use tunnel vision. This is what I can do today and no more.

It's also made me both grateful for the NHS and very worried for its future. It also makes me cross because I get a lot of support (free physio sessions, crutches, etc) whereas people I know who are close to us who struggle with pain related issues (one person I am thinking of in particular) are getting written off and shoved aside by doctors, seemingly because they are too old to be worth offering help to.

It is also teaching me something about my own weaknesses as a parent, and how I can't be super-mum all the time. Jellybean is learning something crucial about her mother that some people don't learn until they are a bit older: that her parents aren't invincible. I'm hoping that this teaches her how to be caring and helpful. I'm hoping it's teaching me that it's okay to let your children see your weaknesses.

That it's okay to have them. Weaknesses.

That you can paradoxically be strong in your weakness.

That sometimes you have to just focus on getting through the best you can and forget what everyone else is doing.

This is why I'm not blogging much: I get to the end of each day so physically and mentally exhausted that I just want to curl up in a ball and watch Gotham. Frankly, though, my brain is starting to melt away, so I will need to rectify that soon.

(That is in no way a criticism of Gotham. You should all watch it immediately).

But at the end of each day I remind myself tomorrow is a new day. I tell myself tomorrow will be better. I try and forget all the ways I have been crap and resolve to both do better and go easier on myself.

Which is just about all I can do.

For the next three months anyway.

Linking up with:


Mummy Fever - Share With Me


6 comments:

  1. No pity from me but virtual hugs and love winging their way over Megan x

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  2. What a horrible situation to be in. Hope you're on the mend soon. Life and parenting are hard enough at the best of times - and, like you, I fear for the future of the NHS . As a diabetic and an asthmatic, I have been more reliant on the care and services provided by the NHS than many. #sharewithme

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    1. Thank you for the comment. I've been reliant on the NHS a lot too in the past few years, it's very worrying!

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  3. Tomorrow will be better...I have a Megan of my own and Megan's are made of strong stuff...fact. Hugs and thank you for linking to #sharewithme

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    1. :) thank you - this comment really made me smile. Taking each day as it comes x

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