From three to four

Friday, 27 May 2016

I vividly remember our 12 week scan with Jellybean.

I remember sitting in the waiting room, desperate for a wee (a combination of nerves and the excessive amount of water you have to drink before an ultrasound). I remember the clock ticking in the waiting room, the distant sound of a telephone ringing. I remember my heart racing. I remember the quiet shuffling of the other couples, also waiting. The quiet. The anticipation.

I remember waddling (really desperate for a wee at this stage) after the midwife, lying down on the bed, having the cold gel stuff smeared onto my belly.

And then I waited.

Pregnancy - and giving birth - are full of high-tension 'waiting' moments that are both exciting and torturous. I now fully understand the phrase 'pregnant pause'. From the moment where you wee on a stick and wait to see a scarlet line, right to the moment between your baby coming out and hearing them cry, having a baby is full of those pregnant pauses. And somewhere in the middle, the moment where the sonographer assesses what they are seeing before telling you. All of them are 'hold your breath' moments. In those heart-racing moments, your life feels like a coin being flipped. Your fate is soaring through the air, and you don't know which way it will land.

All of this in a split second, obviously, and then the sonographer swung the screen around and there was Jellybean, tiny and perfect, all tiny little limbs, little fingers and toes. And her heart pulsing in her chest. She was still, for a while, while we took her in, while they took her measurements. Then, as the sonographer pressed particularly hard, she shuddered and turned her back on us. Stop poking me. Let me sleep.

That was it really. Life forever changed.

***


This week, I found myself in that nervous, quiet waiting room again. The TV was on this time. A couple walked in, looking happy, clutching a handful of scan photographs. The woman went to the toilet and I crossed my legs and felt a bit jealous of her.

Luckily for us it was a quiet day for the sonographer. She called me in straight away. She had a really lovely, reassuring way about her that made me feel a bit more relaxed. And she let me see the screen straight away this time, so the only wait was while she tried to find it.

(You would think as a Christian I would have had a good prayer sorted out for this moment. I didn't. I just said 'please please please please'.)

I saw it flash up on the screen. I looked straight away for the heart beat. I saw it fluttering like a bird.

I felt three months' worth of tension seep out of me all at once.

We've kept this one a bit more quiet this time round, because I have been unbelievably anxious about it. Even through the sickness (lots of it) and my stomach growing as it should (maybe a bit quicker than it should, actually), I've felt so nervous. Gripped in fear every day. Unable to look forward to it, to anticipate the future. Just pushing through the exhaustion and nausea each day and thinking one day closer to finding out what's going on. 

I'm aware that this all makes me sound really spoilt and selfish - not being happy, I mean. I don't know why I felt that way this time. Maybe because I wasn't sure that we would be able to have another one? I felt much more acutely aware of the risks this time round. I've been perpetually on alert for any signs of something going wrong.

***

When you are pregnant with a much-wanted baby it is a strange thing. So much is unknown. Especially in the early days, it's difficult to know whether to allow yourself to bond with your future child or not. I have obviously taken this to an extreme this time, on super-high-self-protection mode. Plus for a little while you can't feel anything going on, except for feeling a bit rubbish for a while.

The truth is I am still nervous about this baby, even though (and I know people will tell me off for even contemplating this to be true, but hey, you don't have to believe me) I can start to feel it moving around now, very very tiny tickly movements like a feather every now and then. When we announced it, it was with a tinge of fear. Because what if something goes wrong?

But I am a bit fed up of living like that. I mean you could drive yourself mad with fear, right? I have to try and trust that things are okay. Otherwise you'd never let yourself love anyone. Just in case.

This little baby was way more wriggly than Jellybean was. It was moving the whole time. Waving its arms and legs, hiccuping, rolling around. Seeing it was again totally amazing and surreal. We got to be that couple arriving back in the waiting room with some pictures and a smile. We got to pick up our daughter from my parents house and take her out for noodles and tell her that she's going to be a big sister. We got to tell everyone else about it too, after weeks of wearing baggy clothes and trying not to start gagging in public.

I am immensely, immensely grateful. Right now I can't fathom having two little people to look after. But we've got until December to get our heads around that ...

Linking up with:

Brilliant blog posts on HonestMum.com

What Katy Said

9 comments:

  1. Ah congratulations! I can really relate to this post, it is so nerve racking and exciting at the same time. They are so worth it but I seems like an incredibly long wait sometimes!

    #HappyDaysLinky

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    1. Thank you! We are really excited but yes, the last three months have really dragged! x

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  2. Big congratulations! It's such a relief having that first scan. You will be fine with two, I'm sure. I worried that I wouldn't cope, and some days I feel like I'm useless haha, but really you do manage just fine x

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    1. PS thanks for linking up to #HappyDaysLinky x

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    2. Hehe, I really hope we will cope. We'll be winging it I imagine. Like everyone does ;) thank you xx

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  3. Ah bless you, I was totally nervous even 3rd time around so I don't think that fear ever goes away. Two is absolutely fine I promise :-) Thank you for sharing in #HappyDaysLinky x

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    1. Ah thank you :) its just such a nervous time isn't it. Thank you, am looking forward to seeing my little one becoming a big sister! x

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