The New Me

Monday, 23 March 2015

Here's another post inspired by a quote-what-I-found-on-Pinterest:


When I think of certain aspects of my personality and demeanor when I was say, eighteen, it almost makes me laugh out loud at how different I am now. That's the thing: in my mind, people who I haven't seen in a long time are static, frozen how I remembered them to be. Whereas in reality, people grow and change and become something different, either in great life-transforming chunks, or slowly and gradually.

Which is why people deserve more than snap judgments or long-held grudges or pigeonholing: just because they were once that person doesn't mean they are now.

(That was a note to self, by the way).

That might be why I find it hard to be around people from my past. Like the nightmare of bumping into someone in the supermarket that you haven't seen since school on the one day where you happen to have had no sleep, ran out of concealer, and are wearing your washing-day clothes.

Part of you wants to scream "This isn't me! This isn't what I normally look like!"

And it's the same with personality: "This isn't me anymore! I'm a different person!"

But truthfully I shouldn't have to justify that to anyone else: anyone who is going to be a significant part of my life will realise this anyway. What matters is that I reconcile that to myself.

It can be really frustrating, too, how gradual change is. When you're really trying to take up a good habit, or drop a bad one, or change a certain mindset, and you slip back sometimes, it can be painful. I thought I wasn't like this anymore. I said I wasn't going to say those things or think like that or dwell on those thoughts. It's like the ghost of a former you, shadowing your attempts to be a new person. You start to wonder what the point is of even trying to be different. Your old ways and habits are so inbuilt in you, they form a groove you can too comfortably slip back into. So why even bother changing - even the things that you know are holding you back?

The thing is, some changes take a really long time. Slip-ups don't put us squarely back into our old box; they can be just a minor setback. A blip.

I'm still new. Being made newer, all the time.

***

One of the aspects of the person I'd like to become is to be able to lean firmly on God even when I don't want to - even when I'm desperate to know the answers and don't feel I can afford to wait for Him to sort things out. Obviously, there's wisdom involved in this. I wouldn't pray 'oh Lord, please fix this wardrobe drawer for me' and then lay back and do nothing while a screwdriver sits in front of me (or, rather, while a generous Father-in-Law with a tub of No More Nails is just a phone call away). God is not a genie granting wishes at random because I ask really nicely.

But I do believe He has a plan for me and occasionally will interrupt my carefully laid plans so He can steer me onto a different path.

I want to be okay with that.

I want to trust Him more.

I want to lean on His strength and not mine.

Chris pointed out recently that he likes the way Jellybean sits on my hip. She's casual, relaxed, almost blasé about it. He said you can almost read the trust that she has in me - Mama's got me, it's cool. 

She knows she is capable of getting where she wants to go. She's smart. She's able.

It's just that sometimes she needs me. She knows what she needs, which in those moments, is being carried by me. And she seeks it.

That's how I want to be with God.

***

The truth is, I can make changes in my own life and see different outcomes, even positive changes, without once praying about it or asking God to help me with it. But I've noticed that when I do ask for help, things are different. Changes might not magically happen in a snap, but the steps I take towards it are surer, bolder, more secure, and yes, longer-lasting. I truly believe that prayer makes a difference.

Because He is much, much more powerful than I am.

Sometimes I forget that in the heat of Why have I done that thing I said I wasn't going to do anymore moments.

I forget that I've prayed it. I forget that He knows.

I forget, momentarily, what I need, or rather, who I need. In my stubbornness I forget to ask.

But you know what? That's okay. I've still come a very, very long way from where I used to be. I'm still changing and growing. One step at a time.

Sometimes I get frustrated because I want the New Me right now. The girl that is patient, that is wise, that is kind, that is thoughtful, that remembers important occasions and appointments, that knows when to be firm and when to go easy on herself, that can prioritise; the girl that sorts the events of her life, good and bad, into their right places without freaking out about them or staying up late into the night worrying about them, that doesn't waste time on comparison, that doesn't hold herself up to an impossible standard, that doesn't fear.

And then I realise: I'm already that girl. I'm already the New Me.

Just, you know, one step at a time.

1 comment:

  1. I love this post!! I particularly love the closing statement - I am already the new me, just one step at a time. It sums up exactly what I need to tell myself on a regular basis...I'm already who God wants me to be, but I'm also a work (His masterpiece) in progress.

    Thanks for writing this xxx

    ReplyDelete

CopyRight © | Theme Designed By Hello Manhattan