A post about loving motherhood

Saturday, 31 January 2015

I'm drawn to imperfection.

I admire it when people are, you know, real. For years I have been a puts-her-guard-up girl. I didn't want to show vulnerability or weakness, because it felt too painful and stressful to have people think I can't cope with stuff. Short girl complex, maybe?

But seriously, I really hate it when people underestimate me, so I don't tend to easily tell people when I'm struggling with something until it's at breaking point.

Recently though I have been trying to break that by being a bit more honest with people. Obviously in a way that protects me and my loved ones. I don't want to go sharing all my deepest stuff with everyone. Okay, I know I have a blog but, you know, I don't share everything. Then again, that has been one of the many unexpected benefits of doing this. Accepting vulnerability as a normal thing sometimes, and not a sign of weakness.

I like to be real. The people I really warm to are able to admit faults without worrying what other people think of them. The people I admire are able to accept that they're not good at everything, and that actually, sometimes even the things they are supposed to be good at are really flipping hard.

I'm self-deprecating. That is just my sense of humour. It extends to all areas of my life, including how I feel I'm doing raising our kid. Plus, I'm not going to lie and say that motherhood is easy, because it isn't. Raising a child is the most complex and yet most beautiful wonderful thing. But wow, sometimes it's really, really hard.

A lot of the time though, it is amazing.

Seriously, stunningly beautiful.

Sometimes I just want to dwell on it. To celebrate it.

Because the small things are huge to me.

My daughter knows the actions to 'wind the bobbin up'. She requests that I sing it by saying 'Pull, pull,' and clapping afterwards. She seems to learn a new word every day. She points to stuff and names it. 'Daddy ... Mama!' 'Owl ... birdy!'. I put her to bed and say 'Night, Jellybean!' and she says 'Nigh, Mama.' She knows some pretty awesome dance moves. She has a crazy sense of humour. Sometimes, she hides behind the rocking chair and then bursts out with a screech and cracks up laughing, because she thinks its hilarious. She doesn't smile at people she doesn't know very well and she takes a long time to warm up to people, but when you're in there, my goodness, she shows her love and affection like no-one else I know.

Funny, crazy, sweet, beautiful, clever. My lovely little daughter.

I am immensely proud of her.

I remember being pregnant and not knowing what kind of person was growing in my belly. I wondered all the time what she would be like. And she is just beyond anything I could have ever expected. She is just totally, irresistibly ... herself.

Sometimes it overwhelms me. The happiness. The love. It drowns out everything else.

Like today. I was hurrying, getting her dressed. I had just a strappy top on where I was kind of half ready myself. When I stood her up and pulled up her leggings, she suddenly grabbed me and kissed me, hard, on the shoulder, whilst squeezing my arms really tight in a fierce cuddle.

And then she blew a raspberry on me.

I burst out laughing, she burst out laughing, and she did it again. And it went on and on until she had enough and wandered off to play.

I thought: who am I, that I get to have moments like this?

Thankful, thankful, thankful to God every single day for her.

I am totally happy to dwell on the goodness in my life tonight. Sometimes, I need to just let my heart sing with it.

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  1. This is so beautiful!!!! xx

  2. Ah this is so lovely. I can 100% relate to the capable you, the one who struggles to admit defeat/struggles, I've been like that for years! But I too have found that blogging helps. And trust me, when that daughter of yours grows up, she will be only too happy to point out your mistakes! Thanks for sharing on #loudnproud.

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