All is well! Kind of.

Wednesday, 19 March 2014

I haven't blogged in ages, and I wanted to explain but my sleep deprived brain is refusing to cooperate, so we'll see how it goes.

It's not like I've been particularly busy, I guess I've just had a lot on my mind. And the things that I'm dwelling on just won't be put into words, at least not by me. Every time I try my mind goes blank and I start panic-thinking about anything my eyes fall upon ('Have I had anything to drink today? Like, anything at all? No wonder I'm getting a headache. Oh, a half-chewed rice cake on the floor. How did I miss that? Look at that crotchet book over there. It's staring at me. Accusingly. I should probably try to learn that again. I said I would ...' etc).

Never a quiet moment in my brain.

Still studying James and it's troubling me (in a good way). It's taken me a while to get into this one. I always said I liked the book of James for it's kicking-up-the-bum qualities, but I when I sat down to seriously study it I started to realise that sometimes I really don't like what it has to say - and what it requires of me. My workbook is crumpled, covered in ink and some of the pages are soggy where my daughter has grabbed it and attempted to eat it, but every day I return to it and some days literally feel like a punch in the stomach. It's got me asking that ancient question: What good is my faith without works? Although it's taken a little time, the words have finally soaked into me enough that all my tidy five-and-ten-year plans start to unravel. All my human goals and desires start to lose their shine. And then I step into the somewhat scary and unknown world of not wanting that stuff anymore, but wanting God's will for my life instead, and I don't know where that will take us.

Or as Beth Moore puts it, 'The Book of James has a way of crawling all the way into our closets and drawers, doesn't it?'

Definitely. It's taken time, but no stone is currently being left unturned.

It's a funny place to be in. To have your goals and aims and future plans up in the air and all you can do is wait to see where everything lands.

Less cryptic and sleepy-headed posts to resume shortly ;)
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